A family that plays together...

First of all I have to say that blogging is like doing crafts and reading novels for me; I do it in spurts. LOL! I decided that it has been long enough, and I should sit down and write something.

I can't believe how fast the summer is going by! It seems crazy. We haven't done much this summer, but we have had a few fun days together. Most recently and most memorably, was 2 weekends ago, we played mud volleyball at our church. We had so much fun! I never expected to enjoy it so much. The best part was at the end, they had a mud free for all, and all of the families played in the mud together. Lilah wasn't so sure at first, but by the end of it, our whole family was covered! This was one of those moments that I hope I remember forever!

What we leave behind.

I am really enjoying blogging so far. It seems to help me get out some of the things that rattle around my head on a regular basis. That is the reason for tonight's post. Sean and I went to bed, but I had too much on my mind to sleep, so here I am.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about where we are in our lives. I don't feel my age, and it is so weird for me to think that I am an adult, with adult responsibilities. I have a hard time grasping that I am at the same place in life that my parents were when I was a kid. Then this thought morphs into another, and another, and I am left with all these questions. Where did it all go? What was it all for, and what will we leave behind? We aren't the first people to be here. Our parents were, our grandparents were, our great grandparents and so on. They were young, in love, new parents, home owners, and employees. They had teenagers, long talks, precious memories, and funny stories. They contemplated life and death, and they made it through hard times.

These thoughts are so profound to me, I just can't wrap my head around them. What will we leave behind? I told Sean tonight that I want to be remembered. Not in the sense you may be thinking of. I don't want to be famous. I am not out to write some novel that will grace the shelves of libraries for generations to come, and although a padded bank account would be nice, I am not holding my breath. What I want are stories, traditions, and heirlooms to be passed down. The things that are really valuable. Money comes and goes, fame only lasts a short while, and books are forgotten. Real value is measured in the heart. You feel it when you hug your Grandma, and watch your kids play. When you tell a story that your Dad told you, and laugh about the night you met your husband. Those are the things that really matter. It is just another example of God's greater plan.

This verse just came to mind, and now things seem a lot clearer! 1 Cor 13 ⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. ¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love is the only thing of real value that I can leave behind. 1 Cor 16-14 Do everything in love.

I have a lot of work to do, and the Lord has a lot of work to do in me!

p.s. This blog took a whole different direction than I originally planned. The Lord led me down a path that I wasn't anticipating, and I followed it. I am so glad I did! Praise God!

The art of insecurity

Insecurity is my dark raincloud that likes to follow me around. It comes in many forms, some more recognizable than others, some almost like familiar friends. It is not only my problem, but everyone deals with insecurity at some point in their lives. I believe, as many professionals do, that most insecurity stems from rejection. Rejection, whether actual, imagined, or implied can be crushing. It can be life altering. Some people deal with rejection like water rolling off of a windshield. It just sheets right off, with generally no lasting effects, other than maybe a little residue. Other people handle rejection like a rain barrel, they gather it all and hold it all in until it literally starts to overflow, eventually rotting though its own container.

I would venture to guess that most people are a mix of the two. Holding on to some things and letting go of others. I would land in that category. I am strong in some areas and weak in others. I have a tendency of thinking that a situation is about me, when in all reality, it has nothing to do with me. Sometimes I gather up all of my little hurts, and use them as ammo in my own self deprecation. I worry, I fret, I stew, I even brood. However, lately I have been asking myself why. Why? Why do I do this to myself? What I have gained in all of it? Has worrying over a situation ever changed the outcome? Have I ever made someone do what I think they should by fretting over it? Does my anxiety change God's will? I can say honestly that the answer is no! It even says it in the Bible, more than once. Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. I could go on and on.

So now I guess the real question is, what am I going to do about it? I will tell you... Worry! Just kidding, I am going to pray, read, and better myself (or at least try to). This goes along with my last post. I need to be the woman I want my daughter to become. I was born of a worrier, who was born of a worrier. I don't want my children to bear that same curse. I need to be the best person that I can be, and realize that the world isn't perfect, and I can't expect it to be. There will always be tragedy, disappointment, hurt, fear, sadness, and so on. Rejection will come in many forms over the course of my life. I need to decide how I am going to deal with it. The only person that I can count on to always have my best interests at heart is the One who made me. He is the one who will provide the answers I seek, and give me the peace of mind that I need. They may not always be the ones I want, but He knows the ending.

I can't say that I will never worry again, or be sad or feel lonely, but I do have so many promises to stand upon! I love John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I am so glad that He isn't done with me yet!

The woman I am...

I had a bit of a revelation today. I have to be the woman that I want my daughter to become. That is a big one to chew on... That means that I have to act the way I want her to act, react the way I want her to react, speak the way I want her to speak, and so on, and so on. This is going to be a hard one for me, especially because I am constantly battling with fear and insecurity. The image that I had in my head was that of a beautiful and pristine stream, with a sewage pipe draining into it. No matter how many good and nice things that I pour into the stream, the tiniest amount of garbage still taints it. Thankfully though, tomorrow is a new day, filled with new and blessed grace and forgiveness. My prayer tonight is to become a woman my daughter would be proud to emulate!

Temper Tantrums...

Well, we are getting there! By there, I mean the "terrible two's". If you are a parent, or anyone who has ever encountered a child, then you know what I am talking about. The "terrible two's", or as some like to call them, the "terrific two's", are a new adventure in parenting. Filled with new words, actions, and especially independence. Now, I know that I can't say a whole lot about this area, seeing that I only have one child, who will not be two until August, but I feel like I have a little room to throw my two cents in. LOL! My real reason for this post is that I want to tell a story that happened to Sean and I the other night. I felt like it was to good to keep to ourselves.

It all started with dinner. As most of you know, with the toddled years comes the adventures of mealtime! Again, anyone who has ever encountered a toddler knows that mealtime is rarely a time to actually eat, and generally a time to test one's parents and see what they can get away with. Enter Lilah... My sweet, sweet Lilah. Lately for us, dinner has consisted of us trying to coerce her into eating, especially because of the important roll that nutrition plays with her CF. Normally we try not to make it a big deal if she doesn't eat a lot, especially because she usually eats really well during the day. This particular night though, she was being especially stubborn! Our normal course of action in these situations is to have her do something for something in return. Usually it is, "if you want your cup, you need to have a bite first", and usually it works. This night however, a HUGE fit ensued. A fit like we have never encountered before, complete with screaming, crying, food and utensil throwing. Basically the whole nine yards. Sean and I used everything in our parenting arsenal. We tried redirection, we tried scolding, we tried calming her down, we tried EVERYTHING, but still the fit continued. Finally, I reached my breaking point when she slapped the fork out of my hand. I told her that she was done, cleaned her up, and told her that she needed some quiet time. At this point, the only place that we could put her with no distractions was her crib, so I took her in there, told her that it was not acceptable to act that way, and left. I then went back to finish my dinner with Sean, who had just finished cleaning food off of the floor. We sit down and start eating again, to the sounds of Lilah crying over the baby monitor and Pandora radio playing off of Sean's Iphone. As Lilah's wailing reaches a new high, over the speakers comes the song "Cheek to Cheek". For those of you not familiar with that title, the open words to the song are, "Heaven, I'm in heaven". Sean and I both look at each other, burst out laughing, and fist bump eachother. In the end, we let Lilah stay in her room until we were done eating. We went and got her, and told her that she could not act that way, and that she needed to tell Mommy and Daddy that she was sorry. She said, "sowy" and after lots of hugs and kisses, and a good amount of cuddling, all was forgiven. When all is said and done, it seems like no matter how frustrating the situation seems, God's sense of humor prevails.

-The End

Where did all of the time go?

Tomorrow is a big day in our house! Lilah is getting a big girl bed. I have one question for you! Where did all of the time go? I swear that it was just last week that I was telling my Dad that all I wanted for Christmas was a boyfriend. Now look at me! LOL! If you know me, this is a big step for me. Especially because Lilah still sleeps in our room. She sleeps in a crib, but I have slept in the same room with her, everyday, since the day she was born. Our deal was that Lilah could stay in our room until she got a big girl bed, and then it would be time to move her to her own room. :( I just don't feel ready, like she won't be able to sleep without me nearby. Or she will be scared in her new room or most of all, she won't be safe unless I am right there. This is another one of those moments where God is telling me that no matter how hard I try, I can't control every situation. Sometimes I just have to trust Him and know that she will be fine, and that NO, it is not normal for a child to sleep in her parents room until she goes to college! LOL! Where did all of the time go? How is it that my little girl is growing up so fast? How do I appreciate everyday, even the "rough" ones? I guess when all is said and done, all I can do is my best, and pray that it was enough! You can bet that these last few nights that she is in our room, as we transition her into her big girl bed, I am going to soak up and treasure every little sound that I hear from her crib! (BTW, this is one of those moments where my heart is breaking!)

I did it!

Well, I finally did it! I took the plunge and became a blogger. Considering that all I usually do on the computer is check my email and facebook, this is a big step for me. I have never done anything like this before, so please bear with me. LOL!
I guess for my first post, I will tell you a little about myself. I grew up in Montana, if you are from Montana, you know that every town there is small, even the "big cities". I lived in the same house from the time I was 6, until the day I moved across the country to be with my husband. I have two sisters, and as much as I hate to admit it, I have always had a complex about being the last daughter to a couple that was giving it one last try for a son. I met my husband when I was 16 years old, just shortly after starting our junior year of high school. We got married when we were 18 years old, so that I could follow him around the world. Literally! We have had our ups and downs, but he is still the love of my life, and one of the very best decisions that I have ever made. We have one child, her name is Lilah, and I swear that sometimes when I look at her my heart breaks. She is so awesome, and I know that every parent feels that way, but Lilah really is. She has Cystic Fibrosis. During my pregnancy with Lilah, my husband and I found out that we are carriers of this incurable disease. Unfortunately for Lilah, we passed it on to her. Sometimes I blame myself, which is funny, because I never blame Sean. I know that it isn't my fault, and that God has a special plan for my precious girl, but I can't help but think that I am at least a little to blame. The last thing that I want to share tonight is my passion for God. I normally proclaim myself a Christian, but I don't always like to use that term because of the bad connotations that come with it. If it wasn't for God's grace, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this right now. He is what has gotten me though to this phase in my life, and to Him I give all of the glory. This is what brings me to my last point, the title for my blog. "When all is said and done..." In writing this blog, I am hoping to document and share my journey in trying to figure out what it really is that matters when all is said and done.