What we leave behind.

I am really enjoying blogging so far. It seems to help me get out some of the things that rattle around my head on a regular basis. That is the reason for tonight's post. Sean and I went to bed, but I had too much on my mind to sleep, so here I am.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about where we are in our lives. I don't feel my age, and it is so weird for me to think that I am an adult, with adult responsibilities. I have a hard time grasping that I am at the same place in life that my parents were when I was a kid. Then this thought morphs into another, and another, and I am left with all these questions. Where did it all go? What was it all for, and what will we leave behind? We aren't the first people to be here. Our parents were, our grandparents were, our great grandparents and so on. They were young, in love, new parents, home owners, and employees. They had teenagers, long talks, precious memories, and funny stories. They contemplated life and death, and they made it through hard times.

These thoughts are so profound to me, I just can't wrap my head around them. What will we leave behind? I told Sean tonight that I want to be remembered. Not in the sense you may be thinking of. I don't want to be famous. I am not out to write some novel that will grace the shelves of libraries for generations to come, and although a padded bank account would be nice, I am not holding my breath. What I want are stories, traditions, and heirlooms to be passed down. The things that are really valuable. Money comes and goes, fame only lasts a short while, and books are forgotten. Real value is measured in the heart. You feel it when you hug your Grandma, and watch your kids play. When you tell a story that your Dad told you, and laugh about the night you met your husband. Those are the things that really matter. It is just another example of God's greater plan.

This verse just came to mind, and now things seem a lot clearer! 1 Cor 13 ⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. ¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love is the only thing of real value that I can leave behind. 1 Cor 16-14 Do everything in love.

I have a lot of work to do, and the Lord has a lot of work to do in me!

p.s. This blog took a whole different direction than I originally planned. The Lord led me down a path that I wasn't anticipating, and I followed it. I am so glad I did! Praise God!

The art of insecurity

Insecurity is my dark raincloud that likes to follow me around. It comes in many forms, some more recognizable than others, some almost like familiar friends. It is not only my problem, but everyone deals with insecurity at some point in their lives. I believe, as many professionals do, that most insecurity stems from rejection. Rejection, whether actual, imagined, or implied can be crushing. It can be life altering. Some people deal with rejection like water rolling off of a windshield. It just sheets right off, with generally no lasting effects, other than maybe a little residue. Other people handle rejection like a rain barrel, they gather it all and hold it all in until it literally starts to overflow, eventually rotting though its own container.

I would venture to guess that most people are a mix of the two. Holding on to some things and letting go of others. I would land in that category. I am strong in some areas and weak in others. I have a tendency of thinking that a situation is about me, when in all reality, it has nothing to do with me. Sometimes I gather up all of my little hurts, and use them as ammo in my own self deprecation. I worry, I fret, I stew, I even brood. However, lately I have been asking myself why. Why? Why do I do this to myself? What I have gained in all of it? Has worrying over a situation ever changed the outcome? Have I ever made someone do what I think they should by fretting over it? Does my anxiety change God's will? I can say honestly that the answer is no! It even says it in the Bible, more than once. Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. I could go on and on.

So now I guess the real question is, what am I going to do about it? I will tell you... Worry! Just kidding, I am going to pray, read, and better myself (or at least try to). This goes along with my last post. I need to be the woman I want my daughter to become. I was born of a worrier, who was born of a worrier. I don't want my children to bear that same curse. I need to be the best person that I can be, and realize that the world isn't perfect, and I can't expect it to be. There will always be tragedy, disappointment, hurt, fear, sadness, and so on. Rejection will come in many forms over the course of my life. I need to decide how I am going to deal with it. The only person that I can count on to always have my best interests at heart is the One who made me. He is the one who will provide the answers I seek, and give me the peace of mind that I need. They may not always be the ones I want, but He knows the ending.

I can't say that I will never worry again, or be sad or feel lonely, but I do have so many promises to stand upon! I love John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I am so glad that He isn't done with me yet!

The woman I am...

I had a bit of a revelation today. I have to be the woman that I want my daughter to become. That is a big one to chew on... That means that I have to act the way I want her to act, react the way I want her to react, speak the way I want her to speak, and so on, and so on. This is going to be a hard one for me, especially because I am constantly battling with fear and insecurity. The image that I had in my head was that of a beautiful and pristine stream, with a sewage pipe draining into it. No matter how many good and nice things that I pour into the stream, the tiniest amount of garbage still taints it. Thankfully though, tomorrow is a new day, filled with new and blessed grace and forgiveness. My prayer tonight is to become a woman my daughter would be proud to emulate!